The Top 10 Ways to Deal with a Verbally Aggressive Colleague

Originally Submitted on 6/20/99.

At some point, many of us may have to deal with a verbally aggressive colleague. It is easy to be overwhelmed, or to get sucked into retaliation that can escalate into a shouting match. Frequent proximity to this type of behavior can easily turn life into a nightmare. Here are some suggestions for handling it without becoming either intimidated or equally aggressive.

1. Do not stifle your annoyance until you explode.

This will put you at the same level as the other person, and it is unlikely that anything useful will come of the interaction. Destructiveness is far more likely.

2. Do not be intimidated.

Just because verbal aggressiveness is a weapon that the person has used in the past does not mean that their bluff and bluster has any more power than the calm and serenity that you need to retain.

3. Turn it into a game that might, eventually, prove a useful tool, by tallying the person's interruptions during each meeting or conversation.

If they notice and ask what you are doing, tell them, calmly and politely. (First be sure that you are not also interrupting people.)

4. At a time when there is not a confrontation going on, approach them and suggest that the two of you might want to talk about what is happening between you.

5. Call in an impartial person, preferably someone who you both respect, to moderate such a discussion if necessary.

Also, discuss with that person whether there is anything in your behavior that might be triggering the attacks.

6. Do not allow yourself to become totally hostile.

Remember that your opponent may, inside, be a hurting puppy, and may never have learned how to handle disagreement in any other way.

7. If necessary, remove yourself from the situation with an I statement...

...such as, "I need to discuss this in a calm manner, and obviously that is not possible right now. We can get back to it another time."

8. Ask if you may tape the conversation.

Be prepared for this by having a tape recorder accessible.

9. Check that the person is fully aware of what s/he is saying or implying.

"Did you really mean to say that..........?"

10. If the behavior continues despite all your efforts, and if you are unable to remove yourself from interactions with the individual, consider the emotional costs of remaining in an environment that tolerates such behavior.

Do not just run away. Make it clear to the offender and to others that the behavior constitutes a hostile environment which you are not required to endure.

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