The Top 10 Steps to Lower the Level of Confrontation

Originally Submitted on 4/28/2000.

Wherever there are areas of disagreement, whether between management and employees, colleagues, husband and wife, or with a stranger on the street, confrontation can easily escalate to the point of doing irretrievable harm to the situation. It is usually in everyone's best interests to keep things from getting to that point. This may not apply to all situations. Sometimes strength and refusal to back down from a challenge are appropriate responses. Here are some pointers that apply when agreement, de-escalation and perhaps compromise are the goals.

1. Try to keep or move the situation so that it is away from the public eye.

Some people feel a need to play to an audience, whether it is a crowd or just another individual. When in front of others they are more likely to hold to their original position, however unreasonable and intransigent.

2. Keep the number of players down.

If you have control over this, keep initial discussions to two or three people. The presence of more people starts to have the effect of an audience and may muddy the waters. If necessary, bring others in after some initial areas of agreement have been reached.

3. Remain very consciously self-aware.

Observe your own reactions as well as those of others. Maintain your perspective by keeping the objective observer active in your thinking. That way, you are less likely to get 'hooked' if things begin to get heated.

4. When you make eye contact, do it with a smile, or at least a calm, pleasant expression.

Avoid the challenging stare or the 'war face.' If you attempt to intimidate, you are probably not seeking to lower the level of confrontation.

5. Avoid accusations and 'you statements.'

Blame is not the route to agreement. Blame is a situational escalator. Focus on the overall perspective and on the goal, which is to reach a solution, or at least to increase mutual understanding.

6. Emphasize areas of commonality.

There are almost certainly some areas on which all parties share a common goal or perspective. Focus first on these so as to increase the connections between everyone involved.

7. Accept that there are some areas of total disagreement.

Attempt to put these on one side. They exist. There may never have been agreement on them. To start there may be to doom the interaction to failure. Perhaps you can get back to them later. Perhaps not.

8. Seek areas of potential compromise and agreement.

This is where to start. This is where the impetus toward forward movement and agreement begins. This is where some give and take can give all parties at least a part of what they seek.

9. Seek benefits for all, a win/win solution, not a win/lose triumph for yourself.

A win/lose solution is a humiliation for the loser. Usually it is forced. We know that a coerced agreement is unlikely to be kept. In fact, in many legal systems, coercion voids the agreement. If you do not end up with something for everyone, you can expect to be dealing with confrontation once again in the very near future.

10. Avoid public or media announcements until progress is made.

Again, an audience is more likely to sabotage the search for a solution, and its presence will again escalate confrontation. Make the report when there is something to report.

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