The Top 10 Steps to Guilt-free Living

Originally Submitted on 12/26/99.

Too many people live in a state of constant guilt. They
feel guilty if they spend a cent on themselves. They feel
guilty if they are not constantly at the beck and call of
someone else. They feel guilty if anything goes wrong in
the life of any of their loved ones, because, somehow,
they should have prevented it. Sometimes it seems as
though they feel guilt just because they exist! Others
feel guilty because their behavior and their values are
frequently at odds. Here are some reassurances and
ways to plan ahead so as to not feel guilty.

1. If you don't want others to know about something you are
about to do, then that is a signal that you are ashamed of
it.

Solution - don't do it.

2. Understand that you are as worthy of care and attention as
anyone else, and it is not wrong to nurture yourself.

Whether it is taking time for yourself, spending money on
yourself, or eating good chocolate as you take a bubble
bath, you are entitled, and you do not need to feel guilty.
The edict from the Bible says "Love your neighbor AS
yourself," not "MORE THAN yourself."

3. Examine your motives.

Why are you contemplating a particular action? If you
will eventually need to explain to anyone else why you
did it, will you be willing to be honest about it? If not -
don't do it.

4. Set your own values according to what you believe.

When we are very young and do not know right from
wrong we need to learn values from someone. As we
grow older, we need to develop our own values,
according to our beliefs. It may be that those values will
be the same as the ones were given when young. Or
not. What is important is that we have examined them,
and made our own choices.

5. Identify and dismiss your judges.

Most people who suffer from unnecessary guilt do so
because there is a little judge sitting (metaphorically) on
their shoulders. It may be the voice of an angry parent, a
judgmental teacher, a mocking older sister, or someone
else who judged you when you were young and not old
enough to have developed your own values and
conscience. Understand that you are now old enough to
make your own decisions, to decide on your own values.
When your behavior is based on your own decisions and
you hear the judge whispering guilt into your ear, smile,
turn your head, whisper "Goodbye," and gently blow the
judge off your shoulder. This ritual will help you to
become aware that the judge's values are not
necessarily your values.

6. Understand that you have done the best you could with the
tools that you thought you had.

You could do no more. If you now realize that it was not
enough, reach out to get some more tools, tools to help
you become more of who you really want to be, to help
you do what is right. The only way to make right the past
is to make right the future.

7. Integrate yourself, do not live different lives, or be different
people, in different settings.

A person who is one person at work and lives according
to entirely different values at home, or who splits life
up in other ways, lives in fear of being found out and
cannot always live according to his/her true values. We
need to find our own deep foundation, and use this to
support all aspects of our lives.

8. Imagine that the entire world hangs in the balance between
good and evil, and that your action will swing the balance in
one direction or the other.

9. If you are still in doubt, talk with someone you trust, NOT
with someone who will advise you to do what they think you
want to do.

10. Ask yourself if this is the behavior you would want your
grandchildren to know you by.

If you still have any doubts about whether or not it is right
to do something, ask yourself this question. The answer
will be your guide.

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