The Top 10 Keys To Understanding Boundaries and Standards.

Originally Submitted on 11/3/96.

Note: There are other Top 10 Lists which define and describe Boundaries and Standards, separately. This Top 10 List describes the interplay between Boundaries & Standards. This Top 10 List also refers to several programs, all of which are available from the Coach University web site at http://www.coachu.com/bookstor.htm, or from a Coach University-trained coach. For a free referral to a coach, please visit the International Coach Federation's website at: http://www.coachfederation.org.

1. Some older technologies treat boundaries and standards as a single thing: boundaries.

That's less effective. In the coaching technology, boundaries are what others cannot do to you/around you; standards are what you do (and, to some extent, what you won't do). By defining this distinction, we humans can more quickly learn about ourselves and understand the role that we play and the role that others play in our lives. If we called everything boundaries, it would all be about being a NO! in life -- all about self-protection.

2. Boundaries are what you have determined that other people or environments cannot do TO you.

Period. So, Boundaries are basically a No! "No, you cannot be rude to me." "No, you cannot ignore me." "No, you cannot dump that task on me."

3. Standards, however, are the behaviors/excellence that you naturally hold yourself to.

So, standards are basically a Yes! "Yes, I treat others well." "Yes, I am honest." "Yes, I am someone who learns quickly." "Yes, I don't tolerate much." However, don't lump your shoulds or coulds in with your standards. Shoulds and coulds are behaviors/actions that either you aren't ready for yet or which are not right for you. Life's too short for coulds and shoulds. Stick with what's good for you and healthful for you right now, without having to force yourself. Don't make yourself raise your standards; just sense which standards are ready to be naturally raised. (Willpower is a character defect, some say.)

4. Boundaries and Standards (B&S's) are like training wheels, often helpful when learning to ride a bike.

As one becomes aware of the notions of boundaries and standards, which are key elements in the Personal Foundation process, they spend a year or two strengthening (extending) their boundaries and (raising) their standards. Getting these two areas handled permits a person to really be themselves and to make the most of their life. Boundaries are important because we humans are fundamentally animals with an instinctual need to survive. Boundaries keep us safer from threats, real or imagined. Standards are our human "being" side, where we humans have been given the opportunity to become great, to develop into our highest selves and thus able to more enjoy life and able to enjoy and share the gifts that we have been given.

5. Watch out for the B & S Trap, because there is one!

I actually wrote this particular Top 10 List to make this key point. The trap is that we humans begin to define ourselves by our boundaries and standards, thus we use B&S's to validate us only externally. It's okay to do this early on, but at some point, B&S's become unnecessary (well, almost), because we've actually grown beyond them and have developed our reserve levels, ability to attract (irresistible attraction) and have become fully responsible. At this point, B&S's become a limiting factor in our lives just as training wheels prevent the rider from leaning as far into the curves as they want or need to.

6. What's the way out of the B & S Trap?

Once you see the limitations of boundaries and standards, you can probably move beyond them. I think that I'll always have my boundaries and standards and I expect that they will continue to extend and rise during the rest of my life. However, they've become less of a focus or measure of development and life. They just are. I say that they even extend and raise on their own, without me having to "watch out" or "correct them." I'm coming to believe that the strengthening of one's B&S's builds a muscle and creates a self-managing and regulating "system" that requires little attention. This is assuming that you've truly understood the notion of B&S's and have finished your Personal Foundation work. This, because B&S's will never become automatic and self-managing if you have major unfinished business in your life, have wounds that a therapist is needed to help heal, are addicted to substances or are compulsive, or if you have lots of tolerations. B&S's need room to develop themselves, just as a new bicycle rider needs room to ride and practice turning. Tolerations, unfinished business, emotional damage, etc., PREVENT the natural development of B&S's. Yes, you can still work on your B&S's, but they probably won't last long and you'll wonder why your boundaries keep being invaded and your standards never become natural or consistent. So, the solution is to work on all of the areas of the Personal Foundation process. Don't expect B&S's to develop fully without a comprehensive approach. B&S's, while essential, are just one part of the process and are interdependent with the other components of your Personal Foundation.

7. Which comes first, Boundaries or Standards? The Chicken or the Egg?

Simply put, Boundaries do. You gotta say no, before you can sustainably say yes. Sure, you can be a very positive person, surrender to the universe, say yes to everything and hope for the best. A tempting approach, but one that's fraught with pain, threat and a huge, missed opportunity called: YOU! Without a strong personal Foundation, there's little chance that you will be able to access, develop and fully enjoy the gifts and talents that you have been given. What a waste!

8. How do Boundaries and Standards work together? What's the dynamic between them and you?

There is a strong dynamic between Boundaries and Standards. Every time you extend a boundary, you will naturally and almost automatically be able to raise a standard. And, then, when you've raised a standard and you feel comfortable with it, you'll then find yourself naturally extending another boundary, then a standard, and so forth, for about a year or two of this back and forth. It's that simple, albeit not necessarily easy. That's why it is essential to work on all elements of your Personal Foundation concurrently with your B&S development work. The other Personal Foundation areas give you the space and energy to strengthen your B&S's. Strong B&S's give you the space to create a reserve and become much more Irresistibly Attractive. Most people have to "go up the ladder" from Personal foundation to Reserve, then to Attraction. I wish this wasn't true or needed, but, right now, this is how it works. At some point in the development of these concepts and programs, we'll find a better way to speed you up the food chain! That said, however, it's very smart to become familiar with the notions of Reserve Levels (RL) and Irresistible Attraction (IA) even before you've done a lot of work on your Personal Foundation, because RL and IA are what you're doing the PF work for anyway and will offer a glimpse into what is possible for you -- a glimpse that will inspire and motivate you during your B&S and PF work.

9. Ok, Thomas, I think I get it about Boundaries & Standards and their role in my development. Now what?

Good question! Let me think. Ah, the first thing to notice is if you're caught in the B&S Trap. Do you find that people step on you and violate the boundaries that you've set, even though you had thought you'd made them clear to others (and to yourself)? This is entirely normal, but you gotta see that you're caught in the B&S Trap. I usually suggest that you quickly jump to establishing a positive standard for yourself -- one that eclipses the need for that specific boundary that you can't seem to honor/enforce. Perhaps you don't even need that boundary, which would explain why it ain't working. Perhaps you just think you need or should have the boundary. Say, for example, you're a business coach to 50 clients, most who are entrepreneurs. Entrepreneurs are great clients, but fairly demanding and when they call they need it now, not when it's convenient for you. Sure, you can set boundaries with these clients, like; *24 hour notice is required to change an appointment. *If you miss an appointment, you are still billed for it. *Any in-between coaching calls over 10 minutes will be billed at $150 an hour. *Clients cannot complain to the coach; they have to fix their own problems. Sure, these boundaries and coaching practice policies make sense, but are they really serving the client? And, if they are not serving the client, how is it that you are being served? Sure, you (the coach) come "first" when it gets right down to it. That said, however, you need to rely on your standards more than your boundaries when dealing with clients professionally. You're not their parent; they are not the in-your-face enemy; it's not an adversarial relationship; they are likely not taking anything from you that you need to protect. Come on, they're just being customers! Be flattered that they think you're worth working with. Sure, if they become a pain or disrespectful of your time, you can constructively educate them by sharing your boundaries, but do so ONLY after you are very clear on who you are, what your professional service standards are and how willing you are to continually add value for your clients, especially your best client or clients. I say, if a client is "violating" your boundaries, perhaps there's a huge opportunity here to establish a special program for needy/time-grabbing clients. I bet they'd pay a premium to get served the way that they want to be. So, before you enforce a boundary, first look for what the opportunity is for you to learn and to offer all of your clients something extra. If one client is asking for something (by violating boundaries), others are too, although silently. Remember, if you orient around your client's success (hint, there's a standard worth orienting around) instead of trying to enforce your boundaries, you'll become very, very successful, given your best clients will stay with you forever if you can find a way to serve them that doesn't hurt you. I say that there is almost always a solution here, if you're willing to raise your standards and offer more to your clients, especially your best clients. Personally, I exempt my Top 5 Clients from most of my professional boundaries and I tell them so. Are they thrilled? Are they respectful? Do I feel especially attractive? Yes, yes and yes. Just become an absolute YES to your Top 5 clients. Don't be picky with them; don't make them do it your way; don't constantly "measure or count" your time with them. Trust that they have a lot to teach you and learn from the experience. If you do, you'll get tons of referrals from them and you'll have these clients for life. And, you'll make a heck of a lot of money in the process -- far more than if you try to put these Top 5 clients in a "boundary box." Instead, view them as your personal R&D department that is paying you. These clients are your inter-developmental partners; they are more than clients and you are more than just a vendor to them.

10. You are so much more than your Boundaries and Standards.

Boundaries and Standards are key to your development, but don't let them become who you are or identify yourself by your Boundaries and Standards. And, for gosh sake, don't use your Boundaries and Standards as weapons or as the always-unattractive egocentric-holier-than-thou-just-converted-to-the-cause mantra or banner. Please. Enjoy this stage of your personal development, but move on to more rewarding and fulfilling places along your path. Don't build a house here at the B&S stop; just put up a tent until you finish your work here, and move on.

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