The Top 10 Ways To Maintain Your Boundaries When They Are Challenged

Originally Submitted on 11/22/97.

Everyone can benefit from setting *boundaries* that are right for their life and which will help make their life less of a stuggle, improve their relationships, and boost their feeling of being an honest and straightforward communicator. Many people, for various reasons, do not respect other people's boundaries and challenge them if given the chance. The following is a list of techniques and behaviors to help people hold true to their boundaries in a civil and non-agressive manner.

1. Don't Assume The Worst Right Away.

Perhaps your assumption that someone is trying to invade your boundaries is false. Give them the benefit of the doubt first. Maybe they are having a rotten day and do not mean to come off as offensive, aggressive, or disrespectful. If they persist after you have politely and calmly given them a hint to *back off*, then you need to be more assertive or leave the situation if possible.

2. Stand Up For Yourself, But Don't Pick A Fight.

How you *react* or *respond* to the person, through your body language, tone and volume of voice, and facial expressions can diffuse a situation and get your point across without confrontation, or it can escalate things to an uncomfortable and usually unnecessary scene. People will usually respond back to us in a similar fashion. What we *send out* we will likely get back. If we stay calm yet firm, most people will get the message and stay calm as well, even if they don't like the fact we are standing our ground.

3. Deliver Your Message And Don't Take Responsibility For How Others Feel About It.

Sometimes, even well-meaning friends and family can set over into our boundary zones. It is important to let them know that you realize they have a positive or helpful motive, but it is causing you some distress. Let them know you realize they do not mean any negative or hurtful intent, and then state how you feel anyhow. As in *I realize you are trying/wanting to help me, but I really feel much better doing it on my own.* If the person gets defensive or continues to react in a dramatic or emotional manner, do not assume responsibility for that. Everyone is free to choose how they react or respond/interpret what others say. We each control our own feelings to what others say or do.

4. Use *I* Statments, Rather Than *You* or *We* Statements.

When you start a sentence with *We* or *You,* you are speaking for alot of people, or for someone else. Using *I* statments, *owns* what you say as speaking for yourself in a direct and clear way. If you want to have a less defensive response, along with clarity and power, start your sentences with *I*. It shows you respect yourself and feel fine *owning* your opinions, feelings and needs.

5. Your Boundaries Must be Specific And Clear To Be Effective.

It makes sense that the more clear and specific you are about your boundaries the better your chances of them being respected. It helps when you are clarifying or stating a boundary to start with "I" statements again, as they are specific to you and cannot be mistaken. Couple the *I* statements with feelings around your boundaries, and you will have a strong and clear message. As in, *I will not tolerate you being late any more becasue it makes me late also*. If you said, *I wish you'd be more punctual,* it would be vague, and you would not be clearly stating your boundary.

6. Be Willing To Allow For Expressing *Compromise* Boundary Discusssions

This is helpful if the situation you are in is not a clear cut boundary invasion, or black & white. You can state a boundary conditionally and still allow the person to clarify for you or explain their words or actions. An example would be, *I'll go with you to the dinner, but I cannot stay past 10PM. I have to be up early tommorrow.* There you are meeting the person half-way and still setting and holding to your boundary and your need for a specific time frame.

7. If You Are Not Getting Anywhere, Be Willing To Change Topics Or Move On.

Sometimes, even trying several things to communicate your boundaries and how you are feeling doesn't work. If that is the case, and you do not want or cannot leave the situation, it is helpful to allow for the flexibility of a change in topic. One way to do this is to change from discussing your first topic and express how frustrated you are feeling in trying to resolve things! This kind of shift goes from focusing on the original problem to the *process* problem of the current talk. Some appropriate statements might be, *We're going in circles here, so why don't we just agree to disagree?* or...*I don't know about you, but I'm tired of this discussion and I'm wanting to end it. Maybe we can talk about it another time.* When it becomes obvious there is nothing but a lose/lose situation, it's usually best to give it up and save your energy and time.

8. Use The *Parrot* Technique.

If someone is repeatedly *stepping in your face* by yelling, by abusive comments, etc., sometimes repeating to them a short phrase like *I do NOT like having people shout at me* each time they do the behavior will work. Many times if a person realizes they will get no other response than you repeating that you do not like what they are doing, they will calm down. If not, it's best to leave the situation if possible by going to another room or another location til the other person calms down. Resist the urge to yell back insults or threats to them. It will only fuel the fire.

9. Bring In The Fog!

*Fogging* is an assertivenes technique that has been taught for many years. Basically it is used when you are in a touchy situation with a stubborn or agitated person, and you want to state your position or boundary without getting into a debate or fight about it. The basic way to do this is to *acknowledge* the other person's statement or position, WITHOUT agreeing or disagreeing with them! It is an ambiguous response from you, confusing them (hence the name *fogging*) and it often prevents any form of confrontation. It's like saying, *Yes and no.* For example, if someone you work with is telling you they know the *right* way to do what you are doing (some people call them *Know-It-Alls*) you reply with, *Maybe you feel that is the best way for me to do this, Bill. I just feel fine doing it the way it works for me, doing it my way.* That usually diffuses things. They may be trying to make YOU wrong, but you don't resort to making THEM wrong, which often causes a fight, ill feelings, and is unnecessary.

10. Use Some Compassion As You Stand Up For Yourself.

*Compassion for a bully or a blowhard know-it-all who wants to invade my space?!?* Yup. People who are bullies and know-it-alls, and always have to be right, and who enjoy trying to invade people's space and *push their buttons,* are usually insecure and fearful people. They never get much honest and direct feedback from others because they scare others away, intimidate them, or are punished by more subtle means. Because of that, these personality types never learn what they are doing and are not given the chance to change how they act. If enough people stand their ground with their boundaries, some of the people who don't respect people's boundaries will learn to respect others as well as themselves at the same time.

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