The Top 10 Things to Say/Do So That The Other Person Feels Heard

Originally Submitted on 11/4/96.

There are plenty of classes on how to listen better, but not many of them cover how to make sure that the person you are listening to actually feels heard. Feeling heard is a level beyond just being listened to and few humans truly hear -- and cause the other person to feel heard. Yet, we humans think that we do listen well. Perhaps, but few of us hear well. And few of the people that we are listening to/hearing actually feel heard. Sorry to be so strong on this point, but 99% of coaches, consultants, therapists and others in the listening professions can listen, but few hear, and it's frustrating to me as a trainer of coaches because I have yet to find a way to get through to coaches that they are not hearing the person, much less having the person feel heard. Ruff, ruff! I just came up with these tips which will help, however. Hope I heard you.

1. Be silent, even when you have something great to say; don't interrupt; don't squeeze in your point.

In cruder terms, shut up. How can the client feel heard if you're sharing your great idea? Please be quiet and stop getting your needs met by talking, no matter how savvy or truly helpful your ideas and advice are. Save them for later --- after the client has felt heard. Then share them -- they will likely land in fertile ground.

2. Ask the person to 'say more.'

When you use the words 'Say more, will you' or the equivalent, you've just told the client that you want to hear more from them, you've taken an interest in hearing what they have to say. This is especially important for enterpreneurs and creative type clients who create best when they are talking, not when you're coaching them. The listen-to-talk ratio when coaching an entrepreneur is 15:1, which gives you about 2 miinutes during a 30 minute session. Yes, really. Phrasing examples: Say more. That's very interesting, I want to hear the whole story. You've got my attention, tell me what's most exciting about this for you.

3. Talk only about the other person, never about your own experiences and what you're 'reminded of...'

When you are listening to someone, listen to them. Don't listen until you hear something that reminds you of yourself or of an experience that you've had or as a segue into your talking about yourself. Sure, conversation is a dance, but first master the skill of listening and hearing and that means no grandstanding, space hogging or reverse segue-ing.

4. Be endorsing and acknowledging, not complimenting or overly excited.

Don't compete for the energy. This one takes practice to master. When someone is sharing a huge win -- one that you've never been able to pull off -- it's hard to know what to say. Don't be effusive because that overpowers the person (in other words, you put your point of view and excitement on top of them). Yet, there are great ways to share your positive feelings for them. Good form: Congratulations! Bad form:

5. Become a you-oriented person. Let go of the I.

(This is NOT codependency, fyi.) Causal (not casual) means being 'at cause,' continually investing in, putting it out there, working. Being Causal assumes that the client is learning as he works so that he learns from his environment and also about himself, thus getting more and more effective.

6. Repeat back parts of what they said.

By this, I mean that you can say back to them the best of what they said, and you can even demonstrate improved phrasing of it if you know what they were trying to say but didn't have the skills to.

7. Be yourself and say the first, most obvious thing that comes to mind.

Really! This is genuine communication and the other person will really feel heard if your reponse is genuine, unedited and direct.

8. Ask, 'How heard/ do you feel?'

Yes, really, ask this. Better for you to know how well you did than thinking that you did great and didn't. I'm fairly certain that spouses that don't feel heard create problems big enough that their spouse has to hear them. Thus, I'm fairly convinced that the couple that truly hears the other person rarely has problems or fights. Better to master this learnable skill than become an expert at probem-resolution, in my view.

9. For a person to feel entirely heard, they need to feel accepted -- totally accepted.

It's great to hear what the person is actually saying or is trying to say, but what if you could truly hear what the person didn't, couldn't or wouldn't say? Would that make a difference? You bet it would! Why? Because when you can hear all that's being said and not said -- and the other person feels this, they feel accepted because that means you're hearing the parts of them that they can't articulate and perhaps are barely able to sense. This is an advanced part of the listening/hearing skill, but oh, what a part this is. Whole lives can be changed by this single skill.

10. Tell the person that hearing and understanding them is your Number 1 commitment to them.

Wow. This is really exciting to both parties. Why? Because you can do so much for another person when you hear and fully understand them-- far more than you can do by giving super advice by itself. There is so much love, life, wisdom, talent inside each person, but it often doesn't come out because it can't -- no one is listening, hearing or getting the person well enough. And, again, it's more than just listening because listening is about you. Being heard is about the other person and is far more impactful.

---

About the Submitter

This content may be forwarded in full, with copyright, contact, and creation information intact, without specific permission, when used only in a not-for-profit context. For other uses, permission in writing from CoachVille is required. Questions: email topten@coachville.com

Please use your browser controls to close this page & return to the selection page, or click to return to Top 10 home page.