The Top 10 Tips for Managing Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) in Couples
Category: Shifts to Make, Changing Behavior (BT188)Originally Submitted on 8/29/2001.
It is now fairly well known that ADD is not just a childhood disorder and that it can continue to affect individuals throughout adulthood. Symptoms of ADD frequently have a negative impact on intimate relationships. Distractibility, trouble with focusing, emotional outbursts, mood swings, forgetfulness and disorganization can produce much tension in a couple's relationship. The following tips may be helpful to adults who are in an intimate relationship that is affected by ADD.
1. Educate yourself and your partner.
Once you are sure you have an accurate diagnosis, learn everything you can about ADD and then educate your partner. Try to articulate specific examples of how this disorder affects your relationship (good and bad!). Write these observations down so that you don't forget them and can refer to them in the future to evaluate how things are going. Be honest about how this disorder affects your life.
2. Be aware of the "nagger/avoider" relationship dynamic.
There is sometimes a tendency for the non-ADD partner to follow the ADD partner around the house micro-managing, reminding and nagging him or her. This often resembles a parent/child relationship and can cause feelings of resentment in both partners. One suggestion that couples often find helpful is for the ADD partner to use a personal organizer at home.
3. Learn how to escape the "victim/attacker" pattern.
This pattern describes the situation in which the ADD partner presents him- or herself as a helpless victim of the "mean and attacking" non-ADD partner or the disorder itself. Don't give away all of your power by being a victim! Learn how to manage this disorder and understand that you have choices.
4. Capitalize on each person's strengths.
Find out what each person does well and then delegate household tasks accordingly. For example, if the non-ADD partner is the better organizer, perhaps this partner could be in charge of balancing the checkbooks, planning meals or coordinating family members' schedules. If the ADD partner loves being outside or fixing things, he or she could be in charge of maintaining the yard or making home repairs.
5. Compliment each other often.
Saying "thank you" for the small things as well as the big things goes a long way. Acknowledge efforts made, even if the hoped-for results aren't achieved.
6. Work with a therapist to heal old hurts if needed.
Sometimes one or both partners may be holding on to a lot of pain and resentment about the relationship, the past or the diagnosis of ADD, which may prevent the couple from moving forward. In this case, individual or couples therapy can be extremely helpful.
7. Stop playing the "blaming game."
Don't criticize each other's negative characteristics or blame each other when you disagree. Be honest about and take responsibility for your part in conflicts.
8. Have patience and compassion for each other.
It seems as though non-ADD partners are usually asked to have understanding, patience and compassion for their ADD partner. I want to request that ADD partners do the same for their non-ADD partner. It's important that both partners try to understand what their partner's experience is in the relationship.
9. Learn how to laugh at yourself.
You know the old saying, "Laughter is the best medicine." Being able to chuckle at our foibles really does lighten the load!
10. Work with a coach!
One of the best things an adult with ADD can do is to work with a qualified coach on organizational, time management and communication skills. Working with a coach removes the burden from the non-ADD partner and often dramatically increases the ADD partner's sense of competence, independence and self-worth.
About the Submitter
This piece was originally submitted by Rebecca Miller, M.A., Professional Coach, who can be reached at Rebecca@coachingforpossibility.com, or visited on the web. Rebecca Miller, M.A. wants you to know: Rebecca is experienced in coaching individuals with ADD or ADHD. She thoroughly enjoys supporting them in their pursuit of academic, personal and professional excellence by helping them capitalize on their strengths and devise compensatory strategies for their weaknesses. She offers a free 30-minute introductory call. To schedule a free call, email her at Rebecca@coachingforpossibility.com.
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